An interview with author Deborah M. Merrill, Clark University
Professor Merrill: There were two things that drew me to this topic. I am a family sociologist, and I think that the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is one of the more fascinating and unique of the various family relationships. This is because you are expected to treat one another like family and assume all of the obligations of an adult child even before you get to know one another and without all of the benefits of family, such as having a shared history.
I was also interested because of my own experiences as a daughter-in-law. We live in a society with a high divorce rate. Like many other women today, I have two mothers-in-law in my life. I have never quite understood why my relationship with my mother-in-law (i.e., my husband's mother) is so much more difficult than my relationship with my father-in-law and step-mother-in-law. I wanted to hear about other women's experiences: how they handled the role and how well they got along with their in-laws. I wondered whether or not I was alone in expecting to be a part of my mother-in-law's family and feeling that I was on the outside looking in on it.
Professor Merrill: While I started thinking about the topic a decade ago, it wasn't until two years ago that I starting interviewing people. I went to each participant's home and conducted the interviews myself. I am grateful to both groups of women for sharing their lives with me and for making me feel so welcome in their homes.
Professor Merrill: There were a few daughters-in-law who approached me and said that they were not comfortable being interviewed because it was such a sensitive topic for them. The daughters-in-law who were interviewed were very eager to talk about their experiences though. Several of them volunteered that it felt like therapy to have someone listen to them without passing judgment.
Mothers-in-law were less willing to be interviewed. I believe that this may be a generational difference reflecting greater mistrust of or discomfort with people conducting research. But those who were willing to be interviewed were as helpful as their daughters-in-law.
Professor Merrill: A higher than expected percentage of mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law describe relationships that are high in affection and low in conflict. Approximately one-third of daughters-in-law, who are usually more negative about their in-law, describes "tight knit" relationships with their mother-in-law. Only half (58 percent) state that there has been conflict with their mother-in-law at some point in their marriage. This is far better than the portrait that is painted by the media. Negative relationships, however, have very high levels of conflict and resentment.
Most mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships get better-even if they grow only slightly closer-over time. However, it is often difficult to overcome the conflict in relationships that start off quite poorly.
There was also wide variation in women's explanation of the daughter-in-role and what it means to be a good daughter-in-law. This suggests that unlike other family roles, we have few normative expectations of being a daughter-in-law. This ambiguity creates conflict in the relationship since what it means to be a good daughter-in-law differs from family to family.
The conflict between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is usually not the result of individual incompatibilities but has more to do with the life course transitions that many families are not prepared for when a son marries. In-law relationships have more to do with marriage than anything between the two women.
Professor Merrill: I would say that the heartwarming stories outnumbered the bad stories, but the bad stories were worse than I expected. The most heartwarming stories I encountered were the women who had relationships that were similar to a quasi- mother and daughter bond. Several of the women had very distant relationships with their own mothers or had lost their mothers early on in their lives but felt like their mothers-in-law were like second mothers.
Professor Merrill: There was one couple that lived with the husband's mother for financial reasons, but there was extreme conflict between the two women and little support for either from the son/husband. "Sally" shook with rage as she told me about her relationship with her mother-in-law. She went so far as to say that she fantasized about killing her mother-in-law and wished that she were dead. According to Sally, her mother-in-law had also performed overt acts of hostility. Her mother-in-law was not willing to be interviewed though.
Professor Merrill: I was surprised by just how good many of the relationships were and by the extent to which the women really cared about one another. On the other hand, many of the women were very unhappy with their husbands for not "taking their side" more frequently or "standing up to" their mothers more frequently. I truly felt for those families.
I was particularly struck to discover that in-law relationships are really about marriage and the formation of families. Marriage is about the creation of a new and separate family, a stage of the life course for which many parents are not prepared. This results in problems in the in-law relationship, which are very hard to overcome. Many daughters-in-law were resentful that their in-laws had not "let go" of their son, and mothers-in-law were resentful that they were often on the outside looking in on their sons' lives. In-law relationships worked best when both women were able to include one another in their families as much as possible and when each respected the position of the other person in the husband or son's life.
Professor Merrill: The only other book of this kind was written over 12 years ago and was based on the perspective of daughters-in-law only in England. I have interviewed a number of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law pairs, which other researchers have not done. This allowed me to see whether or not (and how) the two women might have different perspectives on the same relationship and what might account for that. My book also looks at how previous divorce, and whose divorce (the husband's, wife's, or parents-in-law's), affects current in-law relationships.
Professor Merrill: Try to include your mother-in-law as much as you can. Remember that she has been your husband's mother for at least 18 years, and you need to respect her position as such. It is difficult for mothers-in-law to feel that they are on the sidelines looking in on their son's life. Also, try to keep the source of the conflict in mind when looking for solutions. It is hard for a mother to "lose her son," even if it is to his own family. It is common for there to be conflict at the beginning, but it will ease. Try to be as much a part of your husband's family as you can.
Professor Merrill: It is a given that mothers-in-law should not interfere in their son and daughter-in-law's family. Don't offer advice or make comments unless you are asked to do so by both parties. Remember that your son has his own family now and, as a result, may need to modify his relationship with you and the other members of the family. For example, he may need to be less involved than he was previously. Try to reach out to both your son and daughter-in-law and include your daughter-in-law as much as possible. It will be to your benefit in the long run if you treat them as a team and your daughter-in-law as your husband's wife. Try to include your daughter-in-law in the family as much as possible, even early on in the relationship. If she rejects this though, do not take it personally.
Professor Merrill: It is easy just to remain on the sidelines and hope that your mother and wife work things out. However, your wife needs your support, and your mother needs to feel that she is still a part of your life. It is your responsibility to help ease this transition. This may require you to (sometimes) ask your mother not to interfere or may mean that you might have to disappoint her by limiting your time together on holidays. It is important that you stand by your wife and do what is best for the two of you jointly. That is, do what is best for your marriage. At the same time though, don't forget to include your mother. Try to stay connected and don't just leave it up to your wife.